


Unexpected Gift

by Blahhh, Feli_X



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Fisting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Blow Jobs, Cock Warming, Collars, Confusion, Cravings, Dom/sub, Domestic Fluff, Dominance, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Face Slapping, Fear, Gender Dysphoria, Impact Play, Internal Conflict, M/M, Masochism, Mental Health Issues, Mood Swings, Painplay, Piercings, Pregnancy, Rough Sex, Sadism, Submission, Switching, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, trans!gavin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-08 06:44:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18889270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blahhh/pseuds/Blahhh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feli_X/pseuds/Feli_X
Summary: A year down the line since he settled down with Niles and Gavin hasn't been feeling so well the past week. Finding out he's pregnant causes his dysphoria to flare up alongside the already present stress and discomfort being placed on his body, but Gavin decides to go through with things. It's a long and difficult journey for them both but they focus on the reward for their efforts.This story is sex-positive and Gavin will be giving or getting it good all the way through.





	1. Week 7

**Author's Note:**

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*((Trigger warnings))*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
> Words used for Gavin's genitals over the fic:  
> Front. Lips. Seam. Hole. Front hole. Dick. Pussy.  
> Niles might use 'pussy' more than Gavin in his thoughts.  
> Cunt might make an appearance but more as an exclamation in surprise, anger or frustration. Not for smut scenes. Gavin doesn't use the nicest language after all.
> 
> Kinks that are likely to make an appearance in the fic:  
> Bondage. Discipline. Slapping. Spanking. Impact play. Public sex. Cam sex. Exhibitionism. A little casual sexual fun with others. Overstimulation. Facesitting. Rimming. Fisting. Cockwarming. Praise kink. Pain Play. 

_What a fucking way to start the morning..._ Gavin groans, spitting down into the toilet to rid his mouth from the rancid taste of last night's dinner before pushing down the lever to flush. He still feels nauseous but at this point, he's pretty fucking sure after all that dry heaving, he's got nothing else to sacrifice up to the porcelain gods. 

It's the third time in a row now he's been woken up early by his stomach complaining... And woken up Niles in the process by hastily scrambling out of their bed to make it to the toilet in time. _He's fucking exhausted..._

A glance at the clock shows it's only ten in the evening... A full ninety minutes before his alarm is due to wake him up. He's working nights at the moment and Gavin groans in despair when he thinks about the ten-hour shift awaiting him... _Though he does get a three day weekend when he works the longer shifts._ He sighs, head still thumping as he takes a few minutes to rinse his mouth out and brush his teeth, not stopping until he's sure the taste of vomit's gone. 

At least Niles doesn't mind matching his hours, he's free to work whenever he wants as long he meets Kamski's deadlines. _It's fucking crazy seeing behind the scenes how games are made... How much time every single little detail takes..._ Niles has been working on it for ten months now, and there's still a good couple of years to go before it can be released.

Sometimes he's content to sit and watch Niles work on it for a couple of hours, especially if he's working on his own projects. It's something special to see what Niles comes up with... But sometimes he has to drag that pale goth by the hair to get some fucking sun outside... _You know, just to check he hasn't turned into a goddamn vampire while he was out at work._

He remembers the first time he saw Niles sitting in the interrogation room with that pissed off expression, picking at his handcuffs with chipped black nail polish... _Stupid dipshit got caught shoplifting a hard drive._ Gavin couldn't help but stare for a while from the observation room...

He's always loved piercings on other people and fuck, did Niles fit the bill... Septum ring, snake bites, bridge piercing, gauges in his ears with industrial piercings and a tragus in the right... _all in black, of course._ And finding out Niles had his nipples and belly button done - not to mention a fucking guiche ring behind his balls - Gavin was nearly ended right there on the spot... 

It was kinda strange the first time he saw Niles without his make up all those months back. He always puts on black eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner, foundation and lipstick to leave the house, but once they moved in together, Gavin saw more of the exhausted naked-faced Niles that looked just as fucking handsome without all the warpaint... _And also more of the roses tattooed all down his left arm, fading out across his shoulder blade and chest._

They've been together just over a year now and Niles has gotta be one of the very best things that's ever happened to him... Except for T, that ranks pretty fucking high up there too and they have had their thing going for much longer.

Gavin chuckles to himself at the thought and spits out the remaining toothpaste foam in his mouth, looking up at the mirror with a tired groan. _He looks like shit..._ Hopefully a shower will help with that a little, but what he really needs is a solid night of sleep without being shocked into existence. _Not puking his guts up would also be nice._

He runs a hand over his face, rubbing his palm against the scruff on his face before deciding against trimming it today. He's not sure all the buzzing would do his headache any good either, and it's _just_ mercifully starting to fade. He tries to look at the bright side and guesses at least it'll be nice to take his time in the shower this morning. A full fucking _three_ hours before he needs to be at work.

Gavin makes a noise of disgust at the time, then turns to walk back into their bedroom, cursing at the blur of orange that shoots beneath his foot towards the bed. He stumbles to the side and grabs ahold of the doorframe as Peanut makes a beeline for Niles, her tail perked high in the air. _Son of a bitch stole his cat when he moved in... Both of them are traitorous fucks._

Niles is already sitting up in bed, the glow from his phone screen lighting up his face and he smiles as Peanut jumps onto the covers, meowing for attention, _which Niles supplies her with._ She's quick to curl up on his lap above the duvet, purring away as he scratches the back of her neck. _Okay... So they're fucking adorable traitors._

Gavin yawns and trudges over to their dresser to pick out his clothes for the day. _His stomach finally deciding not to freak out anymore._ "I'm never fucking trusting you to cook chicken again..."

There's a soft questioning _Hmm?_ from his partner before Niles answers. "It's been four days since I cooked us chicken. I doubt it was that otherwise, I would've been sick as well."

Gavin scoffs, rolling his eyes as he moves to the closet to find a shirt. "Yeah, well, you're dead inside. There's nothing for the E-coli to eat."

Niles' voice carries over, condescending as ever. "Actually, if you _did_ have food poisoning, you'd be more likely to have salmonella."

Gavin sets his lips into a thin line and squints over his shoulder, sarcasm dripping from his words. "Thanks, that makes _so_ much fucking difference right now."

As usual, Niles is undeterred by his glare and continues with his usual matter-of-factly voice and expression. "I still don't think it was the chicken."

Gavin sighs and nods as he dumps the clothes on their dresser, walking back over to their bed to lay down for a minute and rests his hand on Peanut's back with his eyes closed. "Yeah, probably not... But it doesn't stop me feeling like shit. I'm exhausted."

He opens his eyes at feeling Niles' hand touch to his forehead, brushing aside any stray hairs with a concerned look on his face. "Maybe you should take the day off, Sweetheart... It might be stress related."

"Eh, I'll be fine for now. Got shit to do, if it keeps up I might take a day or two to rest up." Gavin shakes his head, then rolls over with a groan to drape his arm over Niles' lap, earning an irritated mreowl from Peanut for encroaching on her territory even though there's plenty room for them both. _'He's my fucking boyfriend you little shit.'_ He thinks grumpily to himself before Niles' arm comes to rest around his shoulder.

"Good. Try not to push yourself too much"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Gavin rolls his eyes at the concern even though it makes his chest warm to be cared about and looks up at Niles. "What you gonna do today?"

"Fennec decided it was a brilliant idea to go in and replace half our models with generic asset store ones yesterday. So, now my task is to go back in and replace everything one by one... I wish he would consult us before pulling shit like this." 

Niles sighs and glances over at the hallway towards the room where his computer lives. It's a cozy room, painted dark purple and has a pull-out couch for when they're on an opposite sleep schedule. _Or if they just want their own space for a bit._ Sometimes it's nice to sprawl out on the bed alone or sleep without being woken up by the other leaving for the bathroom in the dead of night... Or day.

Gavin doesn't really understand all of the game stuff his partner does but still gives a slow nod, knowing some asshole has yet again made a mess that Niles needs to clean up. _It always ends up being that fennec douche._ Gavin forces out a sympathetic smile. "Sorry babe. Fennec's a dick. How many times can he seriously do shit like that before Kamski'll boot him off your team?"

Niles shrugs lightly, closing his eyes and sets his phone on his bedside table, video still playing in the background. "Really we should've been rid of him months ago, I don't know why he's still here. Kamski knows I work hard and as far as I know, we're on good terms... Perhaps I'll mention Fennec's fuck-ups to him when the opportunity next arises."

Gavin sighs, stroking over Peanut's back. "Yeah, sounds good. I hope Kamski kicks that fucker off the team ASAP."

"One can only hope... _Really_ fucking hope." Niles laughs dryly as he runs a hand over Gavin's shoulder. "What about you?"

"Same shit, different day. Just the usual... And I gotta do an interview around eight in the AM but Tina's gonna handle it and I'll take notes in the observation room. I might see if I can take a nap in the car over lunch."

Niles hums softly in agreement. "Make sure you actually have something to eat at lunch as well."

Gavin groans in annoyance and pushes himself up to sit next to Niles, still feeling tired and wanting nothing more than to sleep for... _What? A thousand years? That might do it..._ His shoulders slump. "If I can even stomach anything for lunch... Anything I eat makes a fucking break for it a few hours later. I just want some fucking sleep."

Niles' eyebrows pull together in concern and he rests a hand on Gavin's thigh, thumb brushing across the skin and tickling the hairs. "You should try and get a little more sleep if you can. I'll make sure you wake up in time."

"Nah, I'm awake now. I'll only be more tired if I do that." Gavin yawns again and stretches out his back, arms crossed above his head before turning to climb off of their bed. "I'm gonna feed Peanut quick..."

Gavin's sure they closed all the curtains before they came up last night and doesn't bother to put on any clothes as he pats his leg, making eye contact with a comfy Peanut still claiming ownership of his boyfriend's lap. "Hey, Peanut. You hungry, baby? Hmmm? Want dindins?"

The word _dindins_ gets her attention and Peanut jumps off of Niles' lap to slink her body between Gavin's ankles, mewling for food. He continues the baby talk as he makes his way to the kitchen, careful to avoid the unpredictable furry serpent attached to his ankles. "Come on, baby. Let's get you some breakfast."

He can hear Niles start to move around down the hall and Gavin scoops out half a can of wet food, adding the same amount of kibble before setting it down. Peanut's quick to dig in and Gavin gets himself a glass of water - pouring some out into his cat's water bowl - before going back to the bedroom and he smiles as Niles hugs him from behind, pressing kisses to his neck. 

"What do you want, dipshit?"

"Just a little of your time, my sweet." Niles murmurs, teeth pressing gently against his shoulder and Gavin tilts his head back before turning around to face his partner, arms wrapped around his bare waist. Niles' stiffening dick pressing against Gavin's stomach definitely doesn't go unnoticed, pajama bottoms now abandoned to leave them in all their glory and Gavin doesn't protest as Niles starts backing him up towards their bed again. 

He leans his head up to kiss Niles but the guy moves his face away and Gavin glares at him. "What??"

Niles shakes his head, hands still cupping Gavin's asscheeks and he has the fucking nerve to give one of them a squeeze as he speaks. "You were sick. I'm not kissing your mouth."

Gavin raises his eyebrows, knowing damn well he brushed and rinsed his mouth more than enough for that not to be an issue and retorts. "Bet you'd have no problem with me sucking your dick though, huh?"

Niles smirks and after pretending to think for a moment, he nods. "Well... I don't taste with my dick, so feel free."

Gavin shakes his head, still halfheartedly glaring up at his partner as he pushes his crotch up against Niles' leg, seeking a little friction for himself. "You fucking wish, asshole."

Niles' grin widens and Gavin's heart rate picks up as his partner's hand comes to rest around his throat, giving it a teasing, light squeeze that has tingles running through his dick. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I made that sound as if I were giving you a choice... Let's try again. Please, Gavin-" Niles pulls his hand down and Gavin lowers himself down to his knees with it. "-Feel free to suck my dick."

Gavin swallows hard and his eyes roll up at the threatening touch. He loves that wave of submission that washes through his chest, warm and spreading along his limbs as Niles clenches around his throat once before he takes his hand away, leaving his throat feeling bare. Gavin kneels on the floor, brushing the back of his hand over his neck before moving it away to reach for Niles' cock, leaning himself forward to trace his tongue along the underside of the glans. 

Niles hums in appreciation, hand fisted in Gavin's hair as he gazes down at him with those fucking amazing electric blue eyes. "There... That wasn't so difficult, now was it?"

Gavin shakes his head in agreement and presses a wet kiss to the tip of Niles' dick before slipping his lips over it, suckling around the head as he swirls his tongue in a wide, wet circle. Niles sighs above him, hand encouraging Gavin forward to take more... _And he does._ He dips his head down and to the side before taking in more of Niles' cock, slowly working his way down its length, careful not to trigger a reflex. 

His hands are balled tight, resting on each thigh and Gavin so badly wants to touch himself, his dick's aching and it makes him squirm on the spot as Niles thrusts forward, slipping the head of his cock into Gavin's throat. He shivers at the sensation and looks up at his partner, silently seeking permission as Gavin hesitantly snakes a hand down between his thighs.

Niles takes notice and instead of giving permission, he moves his body back, leaving Gavin with an empty, open mouth as he leans forward after his dick. Niles snatches his hand and pulls it up before ordering. "Wait."

He steps only a few feet away and Gavin does as he's told, raising up on his knees to squeeze his thighs together for some relief to the persistent ache between his legs, then winces, lowering himself back down into a more comfortable position. He waits for a minute, arm extended out for his partner and when Niles returns, he has a bottle of lube in his hand. 

Niles squeezes out a blob of the slick, clear liquid onto Gavin's fingers before clicking the lid back on and tosses it onto the bed. "Make yourself wet and ready to take me. I'm going to use your throat for the time being."

Gavin curls his fingers to stop the lube from sliding off his digits and a small startled sound escapes him as Niles' hand returns to hair, grabbing a tight handful before forcing Gavin's face up against his crotch. "Open up, there's a good cockslut."

He opens his mouth, turning his head to slip Niles' dick into his mouth, and at the same time, Gavin smears the lube across his front, muscles tensing as he strokes over his swollen dick. He dips his fingers up inside of himself, velvety warmth hugging his digits and he makes sure to smear the liquid inside himself, scissoring out his fingers before slipping them free. 

Gavin lets his fingers glide up either side of his dick, soft, puffy lips bordering the outside and Gavin's hand freezes as Niles starts using the tight grip in Gavin's hair to bob his head back and forth. It doesn't last too long - likely to save Gavin from losing his voice again - and instead, Niles grinds his hips forward against his face before pulling out again. 

Niles still keeps a firm grip on his hair and yanks Gavin's head to the side whenever he pleases... _And fuck, it sends a hot bolt through him every time he does..._ Gavin continues tonguing over the glans, suckling kisses to his slit and doesn't neglect to dip his head down to slather attention across Niles' balls, using his spare hand to gently tug at the ring piercing on his taint. _He loves imagining what a fucking slut he looks like to his boyfriend right now... finger fucking himself and greedily sucking his cock._

Gavin slides a thumb and finger down his own length, jerking himself off as he services Niles and gently brushes his fingertip up beneath the glans. It makes him shiver and causes heat to blossom through his abdomen... Makes him want more and he pushes his hips up to meet the shallow motion of his hand. _He wants a toy..._

His partner groans, quiet but rough and tightens his fist until it hurts Gavin's scalp. "You'd better be ready for me soon, Gavin. If I come in your mouth, I won't let you come at all."

 _Fuck that._ The threat kicks Gavin back into reality because there's no way in hell he's going to be frustrated and hard all damn day. He eases two fingers back inside, taking a moment to curl them in on himself, soaking up the pleasure it releases before easing a third. Gavin gets up to the second joint on his fingers before pulling them out again to rub his dick and leans back to speak, voice rough from the assault of Niles' cock on his voice box. 

He swallows the mixture of saliva and precum built up in his mouth before panting out. "I'm ready..."

Niles raises an eyebrow and takes his cock in hand, leisurely slapping it against Gavin's cheek. "Are you certain?"

Gavin's cheeks grow hotter as Niles keeps slapping his dick against him and it jostles the words that leave his mouth. "Yeah."

Niles traces his slit along Gavin's lower lip, leaving slick precum along the skin before slapping his cock against his other cheek with a self-satisfied smirk. "So you're nice and wet for me?"

Gavin squirms, dick aching for attention again and he wants nothing more than to sit on a wand and rub himself up and down it, hump his dick against it and squeeze his legs around it... The fantasy of it only makes him want more but he forces out another confirmation. "Yeah..."

Niles continues with the degrading smacks of his cock against Gavin's cheek. "Tell me what you are."

The first thought that comes to mind is _slut_ but a little logic helps him work out what Niles wants to hear. _The usual..._ Gavin flushes and squeezes his thighs together what he can... _It's nowhere near enough._ "I'm wet."

Niles raises his eyebrows again and insists with a lopsided grin. "For who?"

The slapping against his cheek gets to be too much and Gavin moves his head back, face hot with embarrassment as he complains. "Why'd you alwa-"

Niles' hand is quick to shut him up, smacking across his cheek with enough force to have his skin hot and prickling. Heat instantly flares up and Niles grabs Gavin's face to tilt it up toward him. "You don't get to ask me questions. Now, answer me... What are you and who for?"

Gavin's dazed from the blow, head swimming as he bites down on his lip. _He fucking loves Niles getting rough with him, it makes his chest tight and he craves rougher treatment... He wouldn't mind his partner dragging him across the carpet to choke him out._ Gavin battles to get his thoughts together before answering, fighting back the urge to piss Niles off just so he'd fuck him up good and proper.

He gazes up at his partner, breath coming hard. "I'm wet for you. 'Cause I want you... Please..."

Niles smiles and strokes over the hot patch of skin on his cheek, voice soft as he praises. "Good boy. Now get up and show me how much you want it."

Gavin blinks slowly as Niles moves to lay back on their bed, gathering a few pillows to prop up his head before patting his crotch as a silent invitation... _No. A demand._ Gavin pushes himself up to his feet and spares his dick a few much-needed strokes, panting harshly at the tight heat spreading through his crotch before climbing up onto their bed. 

He grabs the bottle of lubricant as he crawls over to sit over Niles' thighs and unclicks the lid, pouring some out onto his hand to slick up Niles' cock. His partner sighs hard as Gavin makes a tight space in the crook of his finger and thumb, slipping the head of his dick through it before smearing the leftover lube across his front. 

Gavin shuffles forward to sit on Niles' lap, and both fucking loves and hates the way that prick's got his arms crossed behind his head, waiting for Gavin to ride his dick... _And damn right he is._

He reaches down between his legs to line himself up with Niles' cock, pausing just to tease the head of his partner's dick against his own smaller one. Gavin's mouth falls open as he finally eases down on Niles' shaft, the feeling of heat and fullness blooming inside of him. It makes his eyes roll up for a second and he moves his hand away to wiggle down until his lips are pressed flush against Niles' pelvis.

Gavin rotates his hips on the spot and clenches himself around the base of Niles' cock with a lazy smirk, pressing a hand to his partner's chest for stability with his middle finger resting over his pierced nipple. He rubs a circle over the little nub and Niles groans as Gavin couples it with starting to rock himself back and forth, fullness returning with every movement.

He gives Niles' nipple a careful but firm tug and his partner hisses through his teeth, cock twitching inside of him. Gavin rounds himself down with a moan and gives Niles' nipple another rub with the pad of his finger before focusing on picking up the pace between them, hips working double time, cupped by his partner's hands. Niles' thumbs brush over his skin and Gavin uses his free hand to rub over his dick, pumping along the shaft, and every thrust from Niles pushes Gavin's dick up between his fingers... _He fucking loves that so much..._

Gavin's head rolls back as his moans grow with volume, curses littered through the sounds and Niles mirrors him with a string of profanities, muddled with questions to stroke his ego... _How big he is... How good he feels... How much Gavin loves riding him..._ And every single one is answered with a trembling groan of fervent agreement. 

Niles' hand eventually pushes his own out of the way and Gavin braces himself with both hands as he parter jerks him off, rhythmically squeezing along his dick and Gavin redoubles his efforts. Niles has had practice by now, his fingers stay in place and every bounce on his cock make his fingers squeeze up the sensitive, engorged flesh.

Gavin whimpers as he edges closer to orgasm, thighs trembling with effort and gasps out, drool trickling from the corner of his mouth. "N-Niles... Oh, Fuck... I-...I'm gonna come..."

The second those words leave Gavin's mouth, the world's suddenly moving as Niles shoves him onto his back, cock slipping free with an obscenely wet sound and he's left feeling far too empty. He feels Niles' hands spread his thighs apart and Gavin obeys the movement without question, face hot and gut knotted with need. "Niles... P-please."

Niles' pushes one of Gavin's legs up and to the side before starting up a merciless circular motion over his dick and it has his toes curling. Gavin gasps, hand instinctively shooting down to grab Niles' wrist as he battles not to try and wriggle away from stimulation, the band in his stomach being roughly pulled taut. He thrusts up against Niles' fingers and it only takes a few more to have him tumbling over the edge, body trembling with a choked off moan that punches its way free as he hits climax.

Niles keeps rubbing his dick through his orgasm... Hard, slow circles that make the muscles in his legs spasm and Gavin's body goes slack when Niles' hand withdraws. He lets Niles pull his hand away, eyes closed and Gavin makes a soft sound of confusion in his throat that quickly morphs into a moan as his partner pushes back inside. 

Gavin tilts his head back up, eyelids heavy and heart thudding in his chest as Niles roughly fucks into him, hands cupped over the top of Gavin's thighs for leverage. Niles grunts softly with each buck of his hips and Gavin's eyes roll back at the feeling of Niles slamming himself home, coupled with dragging Gavin a little further down the bed. _He loves this... Legs spread out while Niles uses his holes to get off..._

He shudders at the rhythmic slapping of Niles' balls against his lips and the sight of his partner kneeling between his thighs, expression focused where they're joined and soon enough Niles is burying himself up to the hilt with a groan. His partner's mouth falls open and his fingers dig into Gavin's thighs as he comes, slowly withdrawing his dick nearly to the tip before sinking back again. 

Gavin sighs out, hand resting on his chest as Niles takes his time using his hole to massage the length of his cock _and he fucking loves it..._ He wants Niles to tie him up and use him again soon... Just treat him like a fucktoy and pump him full of jizz. There's no better way to spend his weekend... Except maybe burying their bad dragons in Niles' ass till he can take Chance. _Fucking size queen._

Gavin smirks lazily at the memories and stretches out his limbs with a groan before rolling over onto his front next to Niles laid out on his back, cock shiny and spent. He props his head up on his hand and shoots Niles a little grin. "Guess there was an upside to getting up so early after all."

Niles chuckles softly, then nods, humming in agreement as they enjoy their afterglow. It's a fucking great way to start his day but Gavin also feels like he could crash right there on the spot and sleep all day. He moves to rest his head on Niles' chest and gives his partner's nipple a light squeeze with his fingers, pulling up on the pink nub. 

There's a rough groan reverberating in Niles' throat before he chuckles and cups a hand over Gavin's asscheek, fingers working their way a little lower to slip over his stretched front hole, dipping into his entrance an inch. He hears Niles draw in a breath to speak but he's interrupted by Gavin's alarm, startling them both and Gavin clenches around his partner's fingers in surprise before growling under his breath at the stupid phone interrupting their morning... _Evening? It's his morning... And Niles'._

"Damn it..." His partner sighs, letting his head drop back down onto the bed with a light thump.

Gavin pushes himself up to crawl over Niles, stretching out to grab his phone and jabs his thumb onto the screen for it to shut the fuck up. He puts it back and hangs his head with a groan before moving off of the bed, feeling Niles' hand brush over his hip as he leaves. "Guess I gotta go fucking shower..."

The moment he's standing, Gavin feels the familiar slow dribble of cum down his leg and glances over his shoulder as he hears the hum of approval from Niles. "That has to be one of my favorite sights..."

His partner stares through lidded eyes, mouth pulled up in a grin as Gavin winks over at him, the damaged nerves in his face causing his other eye to shut halfway with it. "I'd let you take a picture but you've got enough already."

Niles fakes a look of disappointment with the corner of his mouth still tugged up. "But I'll never be enough pictures of my boyfriend embracing his inner cumslut."

Gavin laughs hearing that and feels a delicious mix of pride and shame at Niles calling him degrading names again. He carries on down the hall and shrugs casually as he gets to the bathroom door. "Well... We'll just have to take some next time."

"Yes, we shall." 

After the exchange, Gavin starts his usual morning routine with the door open and he can hear the ever-present sounds of gameplay coming from their living room not long after. He rinses away the evidence from their morning fuck, then takes a moment to unwind under the hot spray before scrubbing himself down. 

Once he's feeling refreshed enough for the shitty day ahead, Gavin steps out from the shower, a towel tied around his waist as he does his usual facial scrub in the mirror. _He's looking pretty fucking good..._ He hits the gym a few times a week whenever he can manage it and even if he doesn't, he'll do a workout with Niles. 

Niles spends nearly all goddamn day at his computer but his partner does put a little time aside to keep himself in shape at home. They have some weights and a pull-up bar that's had both of them fall on their asses more than once. _It's almost a fucking game of Russian roulette at this point._ Niles has mentioned getting one to mount on the wall instead. It's tempting but it's just another thing that's gonna take up their space. 

They do good anyways and Gavin can see the proof in the mirror, a faint six pack looking back at him and Niles' weights have kept his arms in check. His legs are more built than Niles' but it kinda suits his partner's gothy look... _And the occasional times Niles wears stockings he looks fucking drop dead gorgeous in them..._

Gavin's eyes inevitably fall to the double incision scars beneath his pecs as he dries off his face. They're more noticeable than he'd like them to be but they're kinda like battle scars now and he's not usually worried about taking his shirt off in public. Anyways, a couple of scars is better than what was there before and not having to wrestle his way into a binder every morning is deeply fucking appreciated. _He loves summer now he doesn't feel like vacuumed packed turkey in the oven._

He works on drying himself off as he heads back to their bedroom and rolls on some deodorant before grabbing his clothes waiting on the dresser. Gavin opts for a pair of patterned grey briefs and tucks one of his packers into them before putting on his jeans. _He's not wearing an STP today. He doesn't usually care about sitting down to use the toilet unless it's a bad day on the dysphoria... And he's in a fucking great mood this morning._

He pulls on one of his usual striped shirts before going back to the bathroom and works on fixing his hair into place. _He's gonna make the most of his hair before the fuckers starts receding. He's been lucky to avoid it so far._ He touches a finger to the empty hole at the top of his ear from his helix piercing and tuts. _He can't wear it now he's working for the police... Stupid rules and regulations... Fucking sucks ass._

He puts on a few squirts of cologne and checks himself over in the mirror before putting his socks on. They have a rainbow sole and were gifted to him by Niles' brother. Connor runs his Etsy store from Hank's house while he looks after Cole, and Gavin's always getting cool, little, random LGBT trinkets off from him. At the moment Connor's working on an LGBT gothic shirt design for Niles to wear at pride when they go this year. _He's got his work cut out for him._

When he first met Niles sitting there in the interrogation room, Gavin found out more about Hank's mysterious boyfriend, Connor. They ended up bonding over how much it was going to wind up Hank and Connor when they found out Niles was in trouble for petty theft... Not that he got charged with anything. He's just not allowed back in that store. 

Gavin walks into the living room, smiling over at Niles busy playing a game in his boxers and a black vest with Peanut curled up on his lap again, game controller in hand. Gavin grabs his car keys off the side, leaving the one for Niles' bike and flops down in the seat next to them, receiving a kiss on the cheek as he texts Tina to check she's ready. _They live close by and take turns driving each other to work to save on gas._

G: u awake?? leaving in ten

T: _Yeah. Doing hair. sys x_

G: kk x

He shoves his phone back into the pocket and puts his feet up on the table in front of them with a sigh, resting his head on Niles' shoulder as he watches him hack his way through a horde of the undead. _Depending on how tired he is when he gets home, he might have a play with Niles later._

The character continues running through the streets, turning back to hack and slash at the zombies before they climb up onto a car, hands reaching and clawing towards the screen. He pauses the game and Gavin lifts his head from Niles' shoulder as his partner asks. "Do you want breakfast before you leave?"

Gavin screws his nose up and shakes his head, remembering the rough awakening this morning. "Nah, don't wanna get sick again already."

Niles' hand comes to rest on his shoulder and his thumb brushes over Gavin's shirt. "Are you sure?"

Gavin rolls his eyes and nods. "Mhmm."

"It's important to have breakfast." His partner's eyebrows draw up together in concern and Gavin narrows his eyes in return. He doesn't usually have to defend his choice of ditching the occasional breakfast... And Niles skips out on it sometimes as well.

Gavin lifts a hand before patting it on Niles' chest, giving his partner a knowing look. "Niles... When you ask if I want breakfast, are you asking me out of genuine concern... Or are you asking because you want _me_ to make _you_ breakfast?"

Niles hesitates for a moment, mouth open and silent before he answers honestly. "......The second one."

"Fuckin' knew it." Gavin glares at his partner for a few seconds, receiving back an equally playful glare back before breaking their staring competition to press a kiss to Niles' lips. His partner kisses back, then Gavin asks with a yawn. "Okay, asshole, what d'you want then?"

Niles doesn't miss a beat. "Grilled cheese."

Gavin pushes himself up from the couch and stretches out his back, suppressing another yawn. "How many?"

He waits until there's a satisfying crack from his spine before straightening up his back and Gavin turns for the kitchen as Niles calls after him. "Two, please."

Gavin pulls out some bread, butter, and cheese as he shouts just loud enough for Niles to hear without disturbing their neighbors. _Thankfully their place has thick walls._ "You're lucky I love your ass."

"And the rest of me isn't too bad either, I hope?" He can hear his partner chuckle from the living room as the sounds of his game continue, the character grunting with every swing of their weapon and the gurgling sounds of zombies being ended. 

Gavin laughs at the response and works on buttering the bread while the pan heats up. "You're alright, I guess. You keep the lights off most the time so I don't have to see your face anyways."

"Did you ever consider that I keep the lights off to save me from yours?" 

Gavin shakes his head at the quick quip back and still smiling, lays down Niles' breakfast in the pan. He can still hear the game going and he yawns again as the smell of toast and cheese starts to fill their kitchen. It makes his stomach growl and Gavin entertains the idea of breakfast before pushing it aside. _He really doesn't want to be sick again... He can always grab a coffee to fill the space._

He downs another glass of water while the first side browns then flips it over before turning it off the heat, letting the hot pan cook the rest. Gavin grabs his jacket off the back of the kitchen chair and throws it on as he walks over to Niles. "I left it in the pan for you. Heat's off."

Niles tilts his head up as Gavin leans down to give him a kiss and his partner hums in appreciation... _Of the food or affection, he doesn't know... But he bets it's the fucking food._ Their kiss breaks and Niles smiles at him. "Thank you, Sweetheart. It tastes so much better when you make it."

"Duh. Of course, it fucking does. Food always tastes better when someone else makes it." Gavin laughs and helps himself to one more kiss as he fishes through his pockets for the car keys, then adds. "Which is why you owe me one now... Actually you owe me _two._ "

"I accept your conditions... But it honestly just tastes better when you make it." 

Gavin leans down to scratch behind Peanut's ears and presses a kiss between them, receiving back a mewl of complaint. _'Grumpy little shit, accept my love...'_ He squints at the ungrateful feline but shifts his expression to smile after hearing Niles' compliment. "Thanks, Babe... Anyways, I gotta go. I love you. I'll be back around eleven."

Niles takes his hand as Gavin walks away and lets go with a parting squeeze once he's almost out of reach. "I love you too. Have a tolerable day."

"Thanks. You too, baby." Gavin shakes his head with a smile but sighs at the words that are way too fucking true as he shuts the door to where he'd rather spend his day. 

He gives the elevator a passing glance and decides to take the stairs instead. They're a few floors up but any exercise is something and he's likely gonna be sitting on his ass all day... _Not that he'd actually complain._

He steps out of the entrance to their building and into the dark of fucking one at night, grateful it isn't raining at least. Gavin makes his way over to his car before throwing himself into it with a tired groan and grumbles. "Gonna be a long fucking day..."

His journey's quiet until he pulls up to Tina's and she gets in the passenger side with an exhausted sigh that mirrors his own, hands dragging down her face. "I need a fucking coffee."

Gavin gets back on the road and agrees with a dry laugh. "Same... And not the shit in the breakroom either. I need a decent-ass coffee to wake me up."

He concentrates on the road but hears Tina's hands slap down on her knees. "Yes. A caramel macchiato might actually make tonight bearable... The fucking neighbors decided tonight would be an awesome night for a party, so their music's been waking me up nearly every. Fucking. Hour since like, eight. It's okay for them, they don't work normal weekends... Ugh, anyways. Coffee needed ASAP."

Gavin scowls out at the road, hearing about those pricks keeping his friend up. "Fucking assholes..." He gives a side smirk over to Tina. "Hey, wanna go back and bust their asses for disturbing the peace?"

Tina laughs but shakes her head. "As awesome as that would be, I don't want to deal with any more of their shit. I just want a warm drink and a caffeine boost."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know. I've got your back." Gavin takes the turning towards a drive-thru for their drinks, sparing a glance at the time and guesses being five minutes late won't be too bad if Captain Fowler doesn't notice. 

Tina hums in thought, her eyes trained on the bright lights of the coffee house. "I'll think about it."

They pull in and put through their order of a caramel macchiato and iced caffe latte before Gavin's finally back on the way to work. They chat on the way there and take turns cursing out at any idiot with shitty driving skills that gets in their way. Tina waits for her coffee to cool down on the way to the precinct and Gavin waits until they're settled at the desk, his computer slowly booting up. 

Once it's up and running, Gavin checks for any updates on their case or for any new ones incoming... But nope, they're still on the hunt for a small-time drug dealer. _He craves something more interesting... Something he can really sink his teeth into and pull apart._ Gavin immediately feels like shit for basically wanting nothing short of a murder so he can do something more challenging, then shrugs the guilt off. It's not going to affect anything. People are killing people all over the world and he's not gonna make a difference to that except if he can arrest the bastards.

He's busy reading through their case notes again as he reaches for his drink, bringing it up to his lips with his eyes trained on the screen. He sucks on the straw and immediately freezes at the sour taste on his tongue, nose wrinkling as he swallows the mouthful. "The fuck..."

He inspects the cup with a look of disgust until Tina's voice carries over. "Gav? What's wrong?"

Gavin suckles on his tongue and shakes his head. "This shit tastes off... Is yours okay?"

Tina takes another slow sip, then nods before passing it over the desk. "It tastes fine... Let me try yours."

"I might be coming down with something though..." 

He hesitates passing over his cup and Tina rolls her eyes before taking it from his grasp, leaving her coffee on his side to try. "If you're sick then I'll get it anyways. I'm basically with you the whole day." 

Gavin can't argue with the logic and waits as Tina tries his coffee, then watches as she shrugs sympathetically. "Tastes fine to me, Gav."

He tastes Tina's coffee with a frown and is instantly hit with a lingering sour tang across his tongue and forces it down, not wanting to spit the liquid out. He shakes his head and groans, passing the macchiato back. "Both taste like shit to me, might as well keep mine too."

"Can't say I'm gonna complain about a free coffee." Tina jokes with a half smile, concern tugging at her eyebrows. 

Gavin sighs, eyeing up the water cooler and leaves to get a cup, turning around to throw a hand out towards his friend. "It's not free. You're gonna get whatever shit I'm coming down with and then you're gonna pay the price..."

He watches the clear liquid filling his cup and scowls down at it, patience suddenly snapping off with a sigh. _He was looking forward to a decent cup of coffee to wake him up and now he's gotta run on nothing for the next ten hours..._

Gavin flops back down into his seat and grumbles "Fucking why? Why can't I get a break lately? Why do the gods hate me?" He takes a sip of his _water,_ then pauses at a mock-realization. "It's cause I'm with a fucking goth... I'm with a fucking goth and now the gods hate me. It's Niles' fault."

Tina laughs and shakes her head. "Poor Niles, he's such a sweetie."

Gavin rolls his eyes and gets to typing out some notes he wrote on paper into their system. "He's got the whole fucking world fooled... You don't live with the guy. I gotta put up with him when he's had four hours sleep, awake for three days, shower long since fucking forgotten and drinking so many goddamn energy drinks I'm half scared the dipshit's gonna keel over on his keyboard."

Tina laughs at that, then raises a judgey eyebrow at him. "Yeah, I know the feeling. I'm stuck with _this_ dipshit as a partner and my nose is still recovering from our stakeout on Trubin."

Gavin shrugs defensively with a grimaced grin, knowing damn well how much even he hated that stakeout. "I forgot to bring deodorant. T makes me sweat. 'S not my fault."

Tina scoffs lightly and narrows her eyes. "You always blame everything on that... _Oh fuck, a flat fucking tire, must be fucking T."_

Gavin has an unimpressed look at Tina poorly mocking his voice. "I do _not_ swear that much... And seriously, the sweat's a T thing."

"Excuuuseeees." Tina sings under her breath as she turns back to her computer, a sarcastic smile plastered across her face.

Gavin waits until he's damn sure she's not looking before dipping his head down to smell at his pits, then smugly lifts his head. He smells fucking fresh. Nothing but his shower products and cologne and man... _And definitely not the scent of sex from Niles this morning..._

He spaces out in the memory for a moment, musing on whether he'll have enough energy when he gets home for another round... _Maybe this time he'll make Niles play the bottom role... He looks so fucking good in a collar... Cane his ass red... Tie him up and tug on his piercings... Or fuck it, Niles can tie him up and ignore him with a wand resting against his dick for a couple of hours._ He doesn't care whether he gets to top or bottom in their scene... He just wants some fun when he gets home.

His eyes glaze over staring at his screen, mind playing all sorts of kinky things they could get up to until something smacks into his foot beneath the desk. Gavin yanks his foot back and glares up at Tina on instinct, receiving a knowing look in return. "Gavin, sweetie... Think you can stay on earth for the next hour?"

"Yeah, yeah..." He grumbles, squeezing his legs together for a second's relief to the persistent ache of arousal before yanking his chair forward with a huff of annoyance at the computer screen. _"Buzzkill..."_

The bulk of his day goes by excruciatingly slowly, most of it spent at the computer. Waves of nausea come and go but Gavin did catch a few Zs in the car on his lunch break... Until he was rudely awakened by Tina hammering on his car window... _Totally not because he went fifteen minutes over his break..._

He managed to stomach the sandwich Tina bought him at least.... _Stopped him feeling faint for the rest of their shift._ He got some news from forensics that gave their case a stronger foothold and that gave him the much-needed kick in the ass to throw some passion into his work again. Tina was called out a few times but Gavin stayed behind to work the case and Hank's arrival at eight meant the interview Tina was going to conduct was right around the corner. 

He still can't believe Hank's with Nile's fucking brother... _What are the chances?_ ...Well, Gavin guesses he did get with Niles after Hank got with Connor so maybe _he's_ the weird one. _Eh, who gives a shit?_

"Lieutenant." Gavin gives a single dip of his head in greeting to Hank. He's been around the guy's house a few times with Niles now, he can't exactly _not_ say hello. 

Hank gives his back a friendly smack and Gavin's fingers freeze over his keyboard, head lifting to look at Hank as he speaks. "So how's things going with you and Niles, Reed?"

The corner of Gavin's mouth tugs up in a grin. _He fucking knows why Hank's asking._ "You gonna relay it over to Connor?"

"You betcha... He worries about Niles, you know that." Hank's hand rests on his shoulder and Gavin sighs as he turns in his chair with a shrug. _He knows Connor worries about Niles... And he gets why... He can neglect himself sometimes... Same as Gavin._

Gavin nods, leaning back in his chair. "Yeah, he's good, still working on the game and shit... Not much to report, Boss."

Hank shakes his head with a soft sigh. "I'm not looking for a fucking report, Reed. Just worried about family, that includes the extensions out to you."

 _'Oh god, kill me now.'_ Something inside of Gavin cringes away from the idea of Hank... His fucking _Leiutenant_ getting added to his family tree. Hank's damn near his fucking boss, he doesn't need him knowing about his personal life... _Niles' openness about loving BDSM already puts him in the line of fire... His partner has no shame about sharing his love for leather and pain._

Gavin forces out a smile, then rejoices to see Tina walking in with the woman they need to interview. He stands up and mumbles a quick thanks to his Lieutenant and sends well wishes to Cole and Connor before turning round to join Tina with a look of horror on his face. He shakes off the creeps before walking into the observation room to watch Tina conduct the interview, paper, and pen sitting on the desk in front of him. 

Slowly the paper gets filled with anything that stands out as something that might help them with their case... Noises heard. People seen. Descriptions... Apparently, all seen out of her living room window. _Those nosy neighbours have their uses._

He flicks over to the next page, jotting down the times she might've seen their suspect before she asks for a break, sighing as she leans down on the table. _Must be early for her... Fucking late for him... Hometime in three hours._

She asks for a glass of water with a smile and Tina leaves to fetch her one, coming back to make small talk with her and their voices carry through the intercom. 

The woman slowly sips on the water as she talks, face cheerful but clearly tired. "I wasn't even sure I was going to make it in today but thankfully the morning sickness is passing now, but I know with one thing gone, another one's going to pop up out of nowhere."

Gavin raises his eyebrows to the new information and jots down a note of her being pregnant in case it has any relevance later on. He doodles in the corner of the page, bored and half listening to them chatting in the room next door. _At least it's a kind of break for him too._ He yawns, connecting diagonal lines across his page. 

Tina's voice carries over, sweet and chirpy. "Well thank you for making it in, your statement could make all the difference... And congratulations, how far along are you?"

The lady laughs and Gavin glances up from his paper to see her cupping her stomach. "Only fourteen weeks in. We'd been trying for so long for a baby, it feels like a miracle it's finally happening... Although I wasn't fully prepared for everything else."

Tina makes a noise of sympathy in her throat. "The morning sickness is that bad?"

"It's not just the morning sickness... I've never felt so exhausted and for weeks I had this weird metallic taste in my mouth like I'd sucked on a penny? It was gross and just constantly being sick or needing to pee and the indigestion..." 

She continues her list of complaints but her voice has already started to fade out of Gavin's hearing as he stares down at the paper, heart rate picking up in his chest. There's a flood of cold through his veins and he stares out at nothing, biting down on his thumbnail as he compares her symptoms to his sickness lately. _He has noticed a weird copper taste... He just thought it had to do with being sick so much..._

Gavin cups a hand over his mouth, struggling to pull his mind back down to a pace he can work with and pulls out his phone before typing in the first of his numerous questions with shaking hands. 

He searches for early pregnancy symptoms and his stomach drops at only receiving confirmations to his fears, a list of symptoms popping up that fit his like a fucking puzzle piece. He pulls in a shuddering breath and abandons jotting down notes for the interview. He'll have to listen to it later... He can't fucking focus. His brain's going a million miles an hour an- 

Gavin groans and battles down another wave of nausea, trying to keep his breathing under control at the same time as his stomach... _The knowledge of what could be causing this only making it worse._ He shakes his head in his hands and his thoughts wreck havoc against each other. 

_The symptoms fit... What if he's? ...No, he can't be. The testosterone would've killed off any of that stuff... Right? It shouldn't work... He can't be... He's ditched using a condom in the past once he's settled with someone and knows they're clean and nothing like this has happened till now... maybe it's just a fluke... Or the symptoms can be something else... THIS IS NOT FUCKING HAPPENING._

He slams the breaks on his thoughts and holds his breath, trying to focus on nothing but the black behind his eyelids before exhaling with a whimper, tears prickling his eyes as he barely whispers. "This is not fucking happening..."

He pulls in a few, deep, calming breaths and tries to look at it logically, detach himself from the situation... _Even though it's so fucking difficult to._

_Okay... So... First thing's first before he works himself up into a complete panic attack. He needs to get a test... Do tests even work for FTMs?_ He frowns, heart hammering and he can still feel the fear clawing at his insides, tremors running through his hands as he again turns to the internet for help. _They do... That's a point in his favor at least._

He tries to package the knowledge, the fear, the confusion, the sheer fucking terror into a ball and pushes it to the back of his mind, forcing himself to try and ignore it. There's shit all he can do about it until his shift's over and he can get some tests. 

Gavin shudders at the vivid mental images of his insides that keep popping up at him and he shoves them back down, reminding himself there's nothing that can be done until his shift's over. _He's in limbo for now..._

The rest of his day is a blur, mind constantly racing and Tina was quick to pick up on his odd behavior but Gavin remembers blaming it on being sick. He remembers typing words into his computer on autopilot. He remembers the jolt of fear when there was a sudden pain in his stomach and his mind whirled on what it could be. He remembers dropping off Tina with a forced smile like someone else was wearing it. 

He remembers walking into the drug store for pregnancy tests and the appreciated lack of witty remark from the cashier. He remembers driving into his usual spot, then sitting at the wheel for far too long before he stepped out, tests hidden away inside his jacket pocket. He remembers taking the elevator upstairs and someone talking to him about something he doesn't care about...

...And now he's at his front door. He rests his head against it and stares at the grain, mind blank only because of the speed of his thoughts making it impossible for him to catch up. He sucks in another deep breath, feeling dizzy as he steps inside to a quiet living room, a crumb covered plate and a can of drink sitting on the table. 

Gavin walks forward down the hallway after taking his shoes off, mind still feeling like it's both miles ahead and lagging behind as he heads towards Niles' computer room. He knows he can blame how he is right now on stress... On being sick... On mental health... None of them are a lie but they're not the truth either. 

He pushes open the door to see Peanut in one of the favorite positions for when Niles is at work... Draped around his shoulders with her head and legs dangling in front of him, back curved behind his head. Niles pulls one of the headphones cupping his ears to the side as Gavin walks in, flooding light into the dark room and shoots him a tired smile that Gavin wishes he could return with just as much energy and joy... _But he feels like a dazed husk inhabiting this body._

"You're late back tonight. I'm starving, what do you want for dinner?" Niles smiles, fingers scratching at Peanut's neck but the smile slowly melts into an expression of concern. "Are you alright? You don't look well... Sweetheart, maybe you should lie down. Have you eaten?"

It takes a couple of seconds longer than it should for Gavin to process the questions and he nods weakly. "Yeah... Yeah, just tired... Long day and still sick, you know? I had a sandwich for lunch."

"That's not much for an entire day... Perhaps you're feeling faint." Niles' eyebrows tug together as he gently lifts Peanut from her spot to set her down on the pull-out couch. He pulls Gavin into a hug and tears spring at his eyes at how weird it feels... Usually, he can sink right into it, soak up the warmth and forget the bullshit of the day... Now he's just being squeezed... 

"Probably..."

He swallows down the lump in his throat and brings his arms up to hug Niles back, wanting that happiness to return so he can sink into his partner's comforting touch.... _But he can't... And Niles knows..._ The hug ends quicker than it would any other time and his partner's shoulders slump, painted black lips pulled down in mild sadness... And it only makes him feel worse. 

Niles sighs and looks out to the hallway and suggests. "I'll pick us up something for dinner. You wait here, give me a call if you need me."

Gavin nods, eyes unfocused and he instinctively leans into the kiss pressed to his cheek, murmured affections spoken by his ear before Niles leaves, the door shutting behind him. Niles left as a show of respect and kindness... There have been times Gavin just needed to shut down and cry hard enough that his throat would hurt... Niles knows that and he's trying to offer him the privacy to do it. _At least it gives him the privacy to do his tests._

He gives Peanut a hollow greeting, brushing across her soft fur and chokes down the tears again before leaving to the bathroom. Part of him wants to get an STP but another warns him that if he uses it for this, it might leave some lingering negative association... So he sits, pants around his ankles and house silent as he unboxes two of the tests, heart hurting like a lead weight that he even has to use them. 

He holds each beneath him in turn before clicking the caps back onto the ends and leaves them on the side, elbows resting on his knees and hands shaking as he watches the time on his phone. Each second seems like an eternity and Gavin tries not to think about what it'll mean for him if...

He shivers from the stress... The hunger... The exhaustion and flinches as the alarm for three minutes goes off on his phone. He clenches his jaw, saliva building up in his mouth from the nausea as he picks the tests up, eyes closed and hoping so badly it'll relieve him of this nightmare... That they'll put his fears to rest and he can hold Niles the way he deserves when he steps back through that door...

His heart's thumping in his chest as Gavin reluctantly opens his eyes to two matching words on either test that send his mind spiraling into a nosedive. 

**Pregnant**


	2. Week 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ::Trigger Warning::
> 
> This chapter's pretty heavy on the gender dysphoria  
> Of course, there's going to be some throughout all of the fic considering the topic but this one has a lot

The past week's gone by in a distant haze... Gavin's tried his best to hold himself together... To not outwardly show the crumbling mess he is on the inside. _It didn't work._

Tina and Niles can't be fooled but they support him in their own ways... Niles speaks softer and puts more effort into filtering insults and banter in the hope of not making things worse... Tina works harder on their case to make up for his shortcomings and she's driven him to work and back home again since that day. _He's grateful to them both._

Other people at work have noticed he's more withdrawn but he doesn't give a shit about that... Every waking thought is consumed by million questions leading up to the big one in blinding lights, looming over him from morning till night and sometimes invading his dreams...

 _Does he keep it?_

It'd be a lie to say he hadn't wanted kids one day... But not yet. Not like this. He'd played with the idea of adoption or maybe finding a surrogate... Carrying the baby himself had never been an option but now he's faced with the glaring harsh light of reality and he needs to make a decision... _A decision he still doesn't know the answer to..._

He hasn't told anyone. He couldn't even bring himself to whisper the words to Peanut in the dark while Niles was out. It's like once the words leave his mouth, that's it... There's no going back. 

The time to take his testosterone shot came and went... _He didn't take it._

He stared at the syringe for over an hour after finding out if he took it, he'd likely do damage to whatever was inside him. He wanted it so badly... That precious liquid he'd grown so used to over the years that it was barely a second thought anymore. 

He debated how much damage one shot could do when it'd keep him happy just that little bit longer. Gavin stared at the mirror and tears fell down when he thought of losing the reflection that finally felt real and true, his mind's eye producing a phantom of his former self imprinted over his reflection.

He spent hours upon hours researching every question that ricocheted around his skull and he knew what might happen if he stopped... He knew the things he'd keep and the things he'd lose. 

His body and facial hair would stay, as would the pitch of his voice. His dick wouldn't suddenly disappear - which he slumped in relief to read... 

He's bled a few times since starting testosterone but thankfully that would be one thing he wouldn't have to worry about... _He thinks._ There were other effects of stopping T but reading that his fat would redistribute again, back to the way it was before... To his face, his hips... It fucking crushed him like someone had stamped on his heart, then ground it into the dirt. 

When he finally made the decision not to take the shot, there was some irritational part of him that was imagining his body changing overnight... _He knows better than that._ It took years for him to get the full effects of T and he knows it'll take a couple of months before his body changes again... 

...But it was still there, gnawing on his sanity and he'd go between avoiding mirrors in fear of noticing impossibly small changes, and obsessively studying his body when Niles wasn't in the room. 

The dysphoria's ruining everything again... There's a vague sense of constant depression even in the moments he manages not to dwell what's inside of his stomach... He keeps disassociating from his body and even though the internet can answer the bulk of his questions... There are still some he can't find answers to. 

...Even when he finds answers he's looking for, he's bombarded with pink screens and pictures of mothers to be and fucking everything is feminized to the max. _It only makes his dysphoria worse._ Every sentence he reads applied to his situation is _mother this_ and _mommy that_ fucking everywhere. 

He's cried a lot over the past week... In the shower. In bed. Sometimes Niles is still home and Gavin knows he can hear him... But thankfully his partner says nothing, does nothing until he returns and Gavin's welcomed with a raised arm offering warmth and comfort. _He always accepts it but it does nothing to heal the cold hollow in his chest..._

Niles asks him if he's okay, and every time Gavin answers him with a half-truth... _He's sick... He's tired... He's stressed... He's depressed, and he's not sure why..._ Niles can tell it's a lie and sometimes he tries to push a little harder, but Gavin can't bear the thought of uttering the truth... Making everything real.

It's not just the dysphoria making him dizzy... It's the fear of the pregnancy itself. The pain. The discomfort. The... _Birth._ The thought alone makes his throat tight and his heart pick up speed in his chest. It's difficult to even allow himself to explore that side of things... 

He can't imagine anything more horrific than being in a bright, white room full of strangers with his legs spread open... Full of nurses and doctors that will be giving him the wrong gender in their heads because that's who they deal with on a daily basis. All those people that don't understand him, seeing parts of him that he shouldn't have to share... And being in agony the whole time...

 _Another thing he doesn't want to think about..._ Booking an appointment to find out what's going on with him could mean a pelvic exam and a smear test... _God, he fucking hates those... Strips him of any dignity and reduces him to nothing..._

...But he wants to know how far along he is as well. He wants to know when everything changed. Were things happening when he took his last T shot? Were things happening when he last got high and drunk with Niles? Did _that_ do any damage? 

He doesn't know what to do. Part of him wants it... Reaching out with shaking hands for a chance at something he never expected to have... And the other part screams at him for considering it... Because of what it means. What he'll have to endure for almost a year by the time he can get back on testosterone.

He's not exactly stealth or anything, but he's not out at work either. Not properly... Sure, he talks with Tina about T but he doubts anyone knows what he's talking about and if they do, they're probably not someone he needs to worry about. There's no way he can keep his private life fucking _private_ when his stomach's swollen to the size of a beach ball. 

His head hasn't stopped spinning and shouting since he found out... Then today came around... 

He and Niles had been invited round Hank's for the evening. Connor wanted to share some of his new ideas for his Etsy store, especially with Pride right around the corner. _He had to say no._ The mere thought of seeing Cole nearly had him feeling faint. 

Thankfully his partner was understanding and Gavin stayed at home, curled around a pillow on their bed as he stared at the wall, his mind continuing the battle. _Keep it... Or don't... Pain... Fear... Family... Gender... Pregnancy... Baby... Keep it... Or don't?_

When Niles returned home complaining about Cole throwing a tantrum and knocking a glass of cola over him in the process, Gavin was hit with yet another question he hadn't considered. _Would Niles want to go through with this?_

Gavin had been so concerned about whether he could mentally and physically go through this, he hadn't stopped to wonder if Niles was even interested in starting a family... He's eight years younger than Gavin and a fucking goth who loves computer games and getting stuck into a kink scene at a play party... _Maybe he's too young to want something like this yet... If ever._

The realization had him crying again, hidden behind the noise of the shower until he could gather himself back together. His eyes would still be bloodshot and Niles would know... _His partner must be wondering what the fuck is wrong with him..._ But even if he does notice, Niles doesn't voice it. 

Instead, he's greeted by the same warm scene of Niles on their couch, Peanut sleeping behind him and Gavin takes his usual spot next to them, wrapped up in the security of an oversized hoodie and baggy sweatpants. He leans against his partner, nose brushing across his bare shoulder and Gavin presses a kiss to the skin that he knows lacks the adoration Niles deserves.

His partner's voice is soft and full of concern when he finally speaks. "How was your shower?"

Gavin gazes off at the television screen and winces a few seconds after answering with. "Yeah."

 _He asked how the shower was... That's not a fucking answer to the question._

Niles sighs and Gavin turns his head away as his partner asks again, hand gently squeezing his thigh. "Will you tell me what's wrong... Please?"

Gavin hunches his shoulders, panic rising again and falls back on yet another half-lie as an excuse. "Still sick... I think I'm gonna go lie down. Try and sleep it off."

The disappointed look on Niles' face tells Gavin he doesn't believe him, but his partner gives a small nod before forcing out the semblance of a smile. "Okay, sweetheart... You get some rest. I'll be through after I've finished this level."

Gavin makes the muscles in his face put on the best smile he can muster before standing up. "Alright. Good luck."

 _It's pushing them apart... This secret._ Nothing feels natural and everything's forced. Most of the time he doesn't even want to respond... Doesn't want to talk. He just wants to lay there and do nothing. At least when Gavin's at the precinct, he can just bury himself in his work without needing to socialize... At home, it's up close and personal with nothing to hide behind...

He lets out a quiet sigh on the way to the bedroom and hears the soft thud of Peanut jumping from the couch to follow him. _It makes him a little happier to know Peanut's non-judgemental fluffbutt will be keeping him company._

When he gets into their room, Gavin flops ungracefully down into the bed, still fully clothed as he curls up on his side, and soon after is the feeling of tiny paws crawling over his leg. _He loves how cats don't give a shit what or who they're walking on. Fuck the world, they own it._

He wraps an arm around her, ignoring the soft mewl of protest from Peanut as he cuddles her to his chest. "Hey, baby... you gonna keep daddy company?" 

No sooner are the words out of his mouth, a wave of panic crashes through his blood, cold and lingering. _He's always referred to himself like that to Peanut... But now..._ He holds back a whimper and presses a kiss between her ears, resting his nose on her fur. _This is eating him alive... It's consuming his life and tainting anything good in it. He can't live like this. So fucking terrified all the time._

Gavin's forehead hurts from all the frowning and he consciously tries to relax as he closes his eyes, hoping he can drift asleep with Peanut beside him... She's always a grumpy butt and mewls at him for everything, but she doesn't budge an inch except to stretch a leg out when Gavin removes his arm from around her tummy. He whispers into her fur. "Love you, baby..."

===

 _Niles can't concentrate on his game. That's why he keeps having to repeat this level. He's not even sure how many times he's played it now._ He pauses the game with a sigh, music still playing with the menu screen up and he leans back in his seat to stare at the ceiling, eyebrows tugging together in worry. 

_He doesn't know what to do... Gavin's hasn't been himself in almost ten days._ He's tried asking what's wrong and he's tried waiting. He's tried pushing a little harder for information but then Gavin leaves... He hates seeing his partner like this. He's usually so full of this near-obnoxiously loud energy. _Niles finds that energy infectious and he's always happier when Gavin's around..._

...But the past week has been nothing but stress from morning until night. Their mornings are silent, then he works alone for hours and greets back home his partner who seems to be looking sicker by the day. Their evenings are sullen, void of any laughter and he doesn't know how to fix it... _And Niles' chest aches from listening to him cry..._

He keeps trying to think of a reason as to why Gavin's been so withdrawn from everything and every possibility only makes Niles more anxious. He's wondered if Gavin's sick. _Very_ sick... But then Gavin's been open about the fact he's not feeling well and what use would hiding the extent of it do?

Niles has gone through every action that he can remember leading up to that day Gavin arrived back home looking pale and exhausted. He's tried to find some moment that he could've upset or offended his partner. Any playful insult he took too far... He's tried being more conscious of the mess he leaves behind and he's done his best to extend out offers of comfort and intimacy...

Usually, sex is something they both fall back on to relieve stress but Gavin has turned down every offer and it only adds to Niles' worry. _He's tried not to dwell on that fact... The fact Gavin flinches from his touch and leaves at the first opportunity._

That fact has been responsible for a thought that's had his stomach twisting into knots for days now... _That Gavin no longer wants to be with him._

Niles can't blame him... He can be careless and messy. He has a twisted sense of humor and tends to make a joke of things that others would be appalled at. He always has the house blanketed in darkness and his hygiene can be lacking when he gets pulled into his work, threatened by looming deadlines... _He wonders if his partner's finally reached his limit... Had enough of him and his bullshit, just like everyone else eventually has._

He's been so happy with Gavin and the thought of losing everything they have together as a couple devastates him... _He should've tried harder... Put more effort into their relationship instead of into his work._

Niles' shoulders hang down and he exhales a weak breath as he sits upright again, picking up the controller to turn his game off. _There's no point. He's not enjoying himself... He's going to quit the game, just like Gavin's going to quit him... He's had enough of trying when there isn't a reason to anymore..._

The screen turns black, plunging the living room into near darkness and Niles buries his head in his hands with a defeated groan. _Fucking stupid insecurities..._ He rubs his fingers over his eyelids, knowing he's smearing around his makeup but he's going to be taking it off soon, so it doesn't matter. 

He looks over toward their bedroom and he can see his partner in his mind's eye... It makes a lump of anxiety form in his throat but Niles forces himself up to the bathroom so he can get ready for bed and join him. 

He spends most of the time distracted by troubling thoughts as he showers, and eventually exits the bathroom with his face bare and hair damp. Niles treads softly through the apartment and slips into bed wearing his boxers and tank top, frowning to see Gavin still clothed head to toe. 

His partner's breathing is shallow and there's a soft snore on the inhale as Niles sits on the mattress, looking over Gavin and Peanut curled up beside him. _His heart hurts..._ His eyes unfocus and flicker from side to side as thoughts race through his head. As he imagines losing everything he holds dear here... _Waking up alone to an empty bed no longer occupied by his partner..._

He swallows, chest heavy with fear as he leans down to press a gentle kiss to the nape of Gavin's neck, carefully slipping himself down to hold an arm around him. He keeps his movements slow and soft, not wanting to shock Gavin into conscious, but carefully rouse him. _It wouldn't be the first time one of them has woken the other for intimacy._

There's a quiet murmur of confusion from his partner as Niles continues tracing kisses along his throat and he internally pleads. _'Please... Please hold me. Kiss me back... Pull me closer. Do something... Don't push me away again... Please.'_

"Niles..." He trails kisses up Gavin's jaw, seeking his lips and his throat tightens uncomfortably as Gavin tilts his head away with an irritated groan, words slurring off his tongue. "Niles... Don't... Niles, I don't want to."

Niles leans back, rejection weighing down his chest like lead as Gavin moves an inch further away from him, body curling up defensively... _Shunning him._ He looks down at the covers, eyes stinging and he can his voice break as he apologizes. "Okay... I'm sorry..."

Gavin sighs quietly before uncurling his body to lay on his back, eyes lidded and tired with a guilty expression. "Don't be sorry. I'm just not in the mood... I still feel sick."

There's a long moment of uncomfortable silence between them, broken only by the sound of traffic outside and Niles can't take this uncertainty anymore. "Gavin, what's wrong? The truth... Please, talk to me."

He's expecting Gavin to try and brush off the question again, to blame it on sickness or exhaustion... _He doesn't._ Instead, he glances anxiously at the wall, mouth opening to speak before closing it again with a fearful expression. Gavin repeats the movement... Lips parting and only a strangled half-syllable makes it out before he closes it again. 

Niles' heart plummets at Gavin's reaction and he can't take the waiting anymore as Niles says the words for him. "Do you want to break up with me? Is that w-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence as Gavin pushes himself bolt upright, eyes wide and he speaks loud enough to wake Peanut from her slumber, ear flickering in annoyance. "No! No... Fuck, no, that's the last thing I want Niles. I don't want that." 

There's another fear floating around the back of his head... _That Gavin did something with someone else and doesn't know how to tell him..._ Niles needs to ask. "Did you cheat on me?"

"No!" Gavin's expression quickly morphs from fear, into offended anger as he reaches out to smack Niles across the thigh. "I didn't fuckin' cheat on you, dipshit."

Niles doesn't flinch at the slap and relief washes through him as some of the tension that's been building within him over the past week, melts away... But now he's worried about Gavin's health. His partner's been so fatigued... Not eating enough and vomiting far too much. _He hopes his partner isn't seriously unwell... He's not sure if he'd prefer Gavin had cheated on him if that's the case..._

He askes bluntly in case Gavin cannot bring himself to say the words. "Are you terminally ill?"

Gavin's balks at the suggestion and shakes his head with a mixture of confusion and shock. "Wha-? No. No, I'm not."

 _He's thankful that his partner's not sick to that extent but he's still sick..._ Niles sighs, now completely lost as to what could be wrong. He moves closer to Gavin, sitting on their pillows as he pulls him closer, arms wrapped around his shoulders and he speaks softly, desperate for the truth. "Then I've run out of ideas... Will you _please_ tell me what's wrong? I'm worried about you..."

He can feel Gavin's breathing quicken and there's silence again, but this time Niles waits it out, taking comfort in his partner being close and he rubs a hand across Gavin's back _As long as he finds out the truth, he can handle the wait... No matter how excruciating it is._

Eventually, his partner breaks the silence, voice shaking and tripping up over words as he starts explaining. "O-Okay... So... I don't know for sure b-but it's like, ninety-nine point nine percent or... Whatever the fuck's on those tests..."

Niles frowns in confusion. _Tests? ...An STD? No... No, that wouldn't be it._ He almost makes mention of it as a possibility but Gavin finally finishes his sentence in a shaky whisper before Niles has a chance. 

"I... I'm pregnant..."

His partner's voice is barely audible but Niles is certain of what he heard and his mind goes blank. _Pregnant..?_ It _would_ make sense... Niles blinks at nothing, mind struggling to grasp the fact he's been presented with but instinctively holds his partner closer as Gavin cries against his chest. 

_Niles knows he has to speak and soon._ He gathers up as much sense as he can and swallows thickly before speaking his mind. "I... wasn't aware that was a possibility..."

Gavin sniffles against him, then leans back, cheeks wet with tears as he chokes the words out. "Fucking me neither... I- I ditched condoms in the past an- and nothing happened so... I thought all that like, _stuff_ wasn't working..."

Niles feels like a boulder's been lifted off of him but at the same time, a new weight replaces the old as Gavin's condition fully sinks in. _He was so scared of losing him..._ He sighs and asks gently. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just been so fucking scared... And confused... And - And I just didn't know what to do. I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry..." Gavin wipes his tear-stained cheeks and sits back on his heels as Peanut stretches out by his calf. 

Niles' eyebrows tug together with sympathy and concern, confused as to why Gavin's apologizing to him so profusely. "Why are you sorry?"

Gavin coughs out a weak laugh that's riddled with hurt as he fiddles with his hands in front of him. "Because I'm your fucking _boy_ friend, this isn't something I should be coming to you with... I'm so sorry."

 _Oh..._ Niles shakes his head and tries to calmly reassure him even with his own thoughts still going haywire. "Stop apologizing for something out of your control."

"It was in my control! It is my fault... I shouldn't have been so fucking _stupid_ and left the condoms... I fucked up, so bad... I'm sorry."

He's wanted nothing more than for Gavin to be better all week and seeing him take on all the blame is breaking his heart. _He tries to share in the responsibility._ "I said, _don't_ be sorry. Besides, we both know my kinks, so even if you had continued using protection, I would've asked you to go without eventually."

There's a pause of silence and Gavin looks down at his hands laying in his lap. The words seem to help a little but Gavin still shakes his head, brows furrowed. "I could've... Taken the pill or something. I - I fucked up and now I'm- ..." He can't seem to manage the last words and Niles' shoulders fall as he whimpers. "...I'm fucking scared."

Niles reaches for his partner and Gavin truly sinks into his touch this time, shuffling forward on his knees to cling round Nile's waist as he presses a kiss to Gavin's hair. "It'll be okay, I promise... I'm here. It'll be okay, Sweetheart."

Gavin cries into his chest, tears soaking into the fabric of his tank top and Niles adjusts his position to lean against the headboard, arms securely wrapped around his partner. He's not sure how to take the news himself... But he needs to be there for his boyfriend, and it feels wonderful to have Gavin in his arms again without the emotional blockade between them. 

_Niles knows he'll be spending hours on the computer researching every scrap of information he can find about cis and trans pregnancies tomorrow..._ But there's no point him trying to make sense of things he doesn't have all the relevant information on yet... _But there is one, big important thing he needs to know._

He rubs Gavin's shoulder tenderly and asks, careful not to say anything that could hurt his partner right now. "So... Have you made a decision... About?"

Gavin shakes his head against his chest and his arms squeeze tighter around Niles, panic slowly leaking into his words. "No... I dunno...I didn't take my last T shot but I'm so fucking scared and it's all too much and I no fucking idea what to do..." Gavin lifts his head, eyes wide and pleading up at Niles. "Just tell me what to do... Please. Just tell me and I'll do it."

Niles understands why Gavin's asking this, but... "I can't make that decision for you, Sweetheart... It's _your_ body. _You_ need to decide what's best for you."

There's a shaking sigh from Gavin and after a moment spent thinking he revises the question. "Well, what would you do if you were me?"

"That's the same thing, just worded differently."

Gavin looks away, eyes downcast and voice hushed. "You don't even like kids. You barely like Cole..."

Niles is taken aback by the accusation, then remembers his rant from earlier. _Shit. Shit. Stupid... That certainly wouldn't have helped matters._

"I _do_ like Cole, Gavin. He's my nephew. I just didn't enjoy getting drenched today... You know what people say about it being different when it's your own, or even just your own family? I believe that holds true."

His words seem to soothe his partner a little and Gavin looks up at him with exhausted eyes. "I still don't know what to do... Please..."

Niles reaches for his partner's hand and squeezes it, trying to convey his sincerity and support. "Look, Gavin... If you decide you can't go through with this? Then I'll be with you every step of the way. You're the man I love and what's most important is that you do what's best for you... And if you _do_ decide to go through with it? Then you'll just have to accept that down the road, you'll have to start sharing my love with someone else."

Gavin laughs weakly at that, worry still pulling at is features. "Thank you, Baby... Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too... _But_ one thing we should definitely do is book an appointment to see a doctor so we know what we're doing." Niles smiles warmly at Gavin, then has a fleeting thought and voices it. "I just want to check, but men give positive pregnancy readings... Are you sure it isn't...?"

__

__

Gavin shakes his head without a speck of doubt. "No... That doesn't happen with transguys, it still would've been negative... And I know I need to book an appointment but I don't want to... I'll probably have to get a pelvic exam and they're the fucking worst... I hate those fucking stirrups."

Niles winces in sympathy at the idea of such an intrusive procedure. "I would too... I'm sorry, Sweetheart, it's not fair... But I still think we need to."

"I know..." Gavin sighs and slowly falls forward to hug around his waist again, rubbing his face against Niles' chest. "I should've told you sooner... Thank you."

It feels so wonderful to have him in arms again, reciprocating love... It helps him deal with the shock of Gavin's pregnancy considering not so long ago, Niles was sure he was about to lose him forever. "I agree you should have... But I understand why you didn't."

There's guilty silence from his partner and Niles exhales hard. He's emotionally drained but his mind's so busy Niles isn't going to even entertain the notion of attempting sleep. He rubs Gavin's arms and smiles a little, trying to lift the mood. "So what do you want to now? Because I don't think I can sleep, but I _might_ be able to eat my way into a food coma if you want to join me?"

Gavin laughs quietly, then groans with a mirroring half smile, eyes still harboring dark circles beneath them. "I don't think I can sleep either and that sounds so good... Even if it does come right back up again."

 _It's wonderful to see him smiling again..._ "So... We'll gorge ourselves on takeout, binge watch something and then I'll book that appointment, yes?"

Gavin nods slowly, taking in a deep breath before pushing it out. "Not so keen on that last bit, but yeah... The rest sounds good."

"And what do you feel like having tonight?" Niles slowly works his way off of the bed to retrieve his phone from the living room. _He's been very forgetful with all of the stress... And he's lagging behind on his work... But he won't tell Gavin that._

He heads down the hallway and by the time Niles arrives back, Gavin's made his choice of pizza. _Excellent decision._ He finds somewhere open and places their order for a large pepperoni and sides before hunting down something for them to binge watch for the next few hours. 

He makes sure to keep a level head for Gavin right now... His partner needs him, and Niles ignores the prickle of panic in his spine at their uncertain future... He's going to take his time whenever he has some privacy at his computer to do all the research he needs instead of relying on guesswork and worry. 

_They're okay again now, and that's all that matters..._

===

Light's pouring through the curtains when Gavin wakes up and he runs a hand through his hair with a tired groan, rolling over onto his back. Every morning the past week has been started with a wave of dread and fear upon waking but today, it's so much smaller... There's still fear filtering in when he remembers what's in his stomach... But it's not overwhelming... Not consuming him from the inside out... It's just _there._

_He feels so much better today... He doesn't feel isolated, alone, wrong._ Telling Niles had been fucking terrifying... Saying those words out loud. Gavin's not sure what he'd been expecting... _Shock? Anger? Disgust? Betrayal?_ It was none of those things and Gavin can finally breathe again knowing the most important person knows now. 

He can hear Niles moving around another room and Gavin spends a moment appreciating not feeling like he's falling apart before leaving their bed. He stops by the bathroom and avoids the mirror again until he's out in the hallway, the smell of something delicious guiding him to the kitchen.

Gavin peers around the edge of the door and finds Niles watching diligently over the waffle iron, fully dressed in black aside for the rainbow pride tunnels in his ears. He's chosen black combat pants over skinny jeans for today and a thick chain hangs from the left side... He's still wearing the same sleeveless top from last night - some band art printed across the front - and his makeup's back in place, lips painted a red-tinted black this time.

Gavin's still in his gray, baggy sweatpants, hoodie discarded on the bedroom floor and he walks over to lean against the kitchen counter. "That smells good."

"Thank you." Niles gives him a little smile before turning away to remove the finished waffle onto a plate before pouring in more batter. "I thought I'd make breakfast this morning... Did I choose well?"

Gavin's stomach is already growling at the smell and saliva's gathering in his mouth. "Fuck yeah... They smell amazing, babe."

Niles looks pleased with himself and once the lid's shut down for the last waffle, his partner lifts his arm in invitation. _Gavin accepts it without hesitation._ He wraps his arms around Niles and everything's okay... There's no fear, no paranoia, no secrets. 

"So, what would you like on your waffles? I'm going to have maple syrup."

Gavin already knows what he wants, it's been nagging at the back of his mind on and off for the past few days... "Could you grab some peanut butter?"

"I thought you weren't that fond of peanut butter?" Niles makes a surprised noise but still leans over to grab it from the cupboard, Gavin tilting alongside him. 

His chest tightens a bit at the first time of casually talking about his symptoms and Gavin buries his face against Niles as he mumbles. "I think it's, uh... A craving? You know..."

He doesn't know if Niles is going to feel awkward with him talking about it, but yet again Gavin's worries are proved unfounded as his partner chuckles warmly, hand rubbing across his back. "Oh? I was unaware they could make you like foods you didn't before."

Gavin stays in place, forehead resting against Niles' chest and he can feel the slow rise and fall of his breathing. "Yeah... But at least that's one of my less gross cravings."

"Hmmm? And what would one of those be?"

Gavin rolls his eyes at the stupid thing his body keeps wanting and gathers the courage to continue talking about things. "Pickles and chocolate ice cream. Together."

Niles pats Gavin's back and makes a noise of consideration in his throat. "Yes. That _does_ sound very fucking disgusting."

Gavin laughs and tilts his head up to look at his partner, arms wrapped around him, chest to chest. "Yeah, it does... But seriously? I want it all the fucking time... Still haven't actually tried it though."

Niles raises an eyebrow, looking down at him with bright blue eyes, bordered by matt black. "Why not?"

Gavin shrugs, feeling a little embarrassed at the truth. "I felt like it'd be giving in..."

"Don't be ridiculous. If you want something to eat, provided it's safe, you should just have it." Niles gives his head a little shake and reaches over to turn off the waffle machine as it signals their breakfast is done. 

_He feels so fucking special... So lucky..._ He's dropped this bitch of a bombshell on his partner and Niles is being so fucking understanding with him... _He kinda feels like he doesn't deserve such love and patience._ His chest's so full of pure fucking appreciation and Gavin wraps his arms around Niles' shoulders, pulling him down for a kiss. 

It feels like forever since they last kissed properly... Lips crushing against the other, heartbeat picking up in his chest as Niles' tongue silently requests permission. _A request Gavin's more than happy to accept._ He groans enthusiastically into the kiss, clinging around his partner's neck and Niles' tongue brushes against his own. _Even if he cared about ruining Niles' lipstick, Gavin knows he wouldn't. His partner somehow gets it to stay in place._

Gavin inhales sharply as Niles lifts him with ease onto the kitchen side before cupping a hand over the nape of his neck, pulling him closer to deepen their kiss. _They haven't done anything remotely sexual since Gavin found out and finally being free from the weight of that secret has his usual libido resurfacing._ He grazes his teeth across Niles' tongue and wraps his legs around his waist... But as soon as Niles goes to tug at Gavin's pants, the reality of what will happen next hits him a little too hard. _He's not ready for that yet._

He grabs Niles' hand and gently pulls back from their kiss, cheeks hot. "I... I can't do that right now..." Gavin adds to his explanation with a wince. "Dysphoria."

"Ah..." Niles is breathing heavier, just like him and there's a flash of disappointment in his expression. _Gavin can't blame him... Usually they're at it like kinky rabbits... Ten days and no sex is one hell of a dry spell for them._ His partner raises an eyebrow and offers. "Would you like to top me?"

Gavin sighs hard, hating that he has to turn this down too. "No, I can't. My head's all fucky and I'll just think about how I can't feel you... I wanna feel you around me... like, tight and warm... And feel you clench around me... But I can't... Sorry, I know it doesn't make any sense to you but it'll just fuck with my head to try..."

He can feel Niles' cock hard against him and even that's getting to him a little. He fucking hates it when his brain starts trying to fuck him over... _Penis-envy-riddled-Dysphoria... Great._ He's not usually like this. He has no problem spreading his legs and letting Niles rail him... But everything's been kicking up a dysphoric sandstorm and the thought of having Niles inside of him right now only makes him feel jealous and dizzy. 

There's a drawn-out moment of silence between them before Niles hesitantly asks, brushing a hand down Gavin's thigh as he suggests with a hushed tone. "If feeling me is important, then...If you were interested, perhaps you'd like to fist me?"

Gavin blinks at the suggestion and doesn't have time to filter his thoughts into sense before he speaks. "Oh... Damn. Wow... You're uh- into that?"

Niles rolls his eyes with a light scoff. "I'm a size queen. Are you really asking me whether I'd enjoy your arm up my ass?"

 _Arm?? Not just his fucking hand??_ Gavin can't deny he's surprised at the offer from his partner but it also fits the parameters of what he needs right now... He laughs at the question and grins. "Guess not."

The smug expression on Niles' face softens and his gaze flicks over to the side "...I've never actually tried it before but I've wanted to for a long while now."

"Why didn't you say anything? I would've been down, hell, I am down." Gavin's firm in his reassurance, happy his partner's sharing more kinks with him.

"Nerves, I suppose..." Niles shrugs lightly before that mischevious quirk at the corner of his mouth ticks up. "Although I can't do it today... Maybe in a couple of days?"

Gavin's a bit let down that they can't do it today but sometimes a scene takes time and if Niles needs to sort stuff out, he can wait. "I'm sure it'll be worth the wait, babe."

Niles seems to perk up a bit upon hearing that. "I agree. I'll need to order a few things for it, want to join me?"

"Hell yeah."

Niles smiles and pulls him into another firm kiss before stepping back, making room for Gavin to hop off of the side and they finish putting the toppings on their waffles. His mouth's watering at the look of his breakfast and Gavin moans at the first tester bite on the way to the living room. _He could sit there and eat a whole fucking tub of peanut butter._ "Mmmm, so fucking good..."

Gavin flops down into his seat, plate resting on his lap and Niles calls from his computer room. "I booked the appointment while you were sleeping by the way. It's on Friday... One thirty."

He pulls a face and growls under his breath, not wanting to go and have the exam... _He knows he's overdue for a smear... He fucking hates them. Fucking emasculating, degrading, humiliating bullshit._ But still he thanks his partner for finally sorting out such an important thing he'd been putting off himself. "Thanks. I'll see if Captain Fowler will let me switch shifts with someone... Maybe Chris wouldn't mind."

Niles walks back in, laptop in hand and he sits down between Gavin and the plate with his maple syrup drenched waffles sitting on it. "Okay, sweetheart. Obviously, I'll be free... If you _want_ me to come with you."

"Please." The word's out of his mouth before he has time to think it... He needs Niles there with him... He can't go through all this shit alone. Gavin pulls in a deep breath and slowly exhales, calming down the sudden panic from the image of him going through everything without Niles there. "Yeah, please. I want you to go with me."

"Okay." Niles smiles and opens up his laptop before taking a bite of his breakfast, his free arm snaking around Gavin's waist. "So... Let's have a look..."

Gavin leans against his partner and it feels so fucking amazingly normal to be looking at some kinky shit with him. He continues working on his waffles as Niles navigates to a website, going straight into the fetish wear.

"What you looking for?"

Niles continues scrolling down the page and hums in thought. "First, we need some gloves..."

Gavin raises a confused eyebrow. "We got a whole box of gloves, Niles."

"Yes... But they're not the ones we need..." Niles concentrates on the screen and finally, he clicks on a picture of black, latex gloves that go up past the elbow. He can hear the excitement in his partner's voice. " _This_ is what we need. I want to see how much I can take."

Gavin's a little put out at the thought of a barrier between them... _But he'll still be able to feel Niles squeezing around him... Warm._ There's an ache of arousal between his legs at the thought. "Knowing you, we might need it up to the shoulder."

Niles chuckles and mutters under his breath as he adds it to the basket. "I fucking _wish_..." 

Gavin's mind can barely work out how his whole arm's supposed to get up there... _He's gonna end up punching his fucking lungs._ He watches Niles make his way to the page of lubricants and his partner doesn't ask anything before adding in a bottle of clear, water-based apparently _' long-lasting, extra thick '_ lube.

Niles hovers his fingers over the keyboard before dropping down a menu. "I think I already have everything else I need... I wonder if there's anything worthwhile in the sales..."

Gavin reaches over to take control of the pointer and they spend a while going through various toys and what passes for clothing before adding a couple pairs of fishnet stockings. _Since Niles loves having them torn open to screw him whenever he wears the fucking things... Though Gavin would be lying to say it isn't hot as hell when he rips them apart and exposes Niles' plump ass..._

The arousal soon worms it's way back in and after placing the order for their toys, Niles' mouth is back on his and hands are wandering places that make his heart heavy again. Guilt pangs in his chest as Gavin slowly breaks back from their kiss for the second time, dick aching with the want for more attention... _But his mind's cockblocking him._

Gavin's pissed off at his own stupid head getting in the way of things and squeezes his legs together as he grumbles "This fucking sucks..."

Niles sighs hard, leaning back in his spot with a frustrated groan. "I take it you're not referring to the kiss, at least I hope you're not."

Gavin glares down at the carpet and shakes his head. "No... My head's still fucky... I got a serious case of penis envy going on and it's getting in the way."

It's not the first time this problem's cropped up, but it's not a common issue for them either. He can count on one hand the number of times it's happened in the past year of being with Niles... _But the pregnancy has kicked up almost every single insecurity and perceived inadequacy possible... And his partner being lucky enough to have a cis-dick is one of them._

Niles shrugs with a sympathetic expression. "I'm sorry but there's not much I can do about that. It's kind of attached to me."

"I knooooow." Gavin groans and tries playing scenarios through in his head, hoping to stumble across something to relieve the persistent urge between his legs. 

He's already struck his front hole off the menu and anything to do with Nile's dick is only going to make sad, envious or angry. _Though maybe anal? ... No, he still doesn't want anything inside of him... Strap-Ons are no good right now, so he can't top... Even the thought of getting sucked off isn't appealing to him right now, plus it's not fair to Niles since he can't reciprocate... He doesn't want to do anything that involves touching himself or getting touched down there..._

Gavin wrings his brain for an idea that involves both of them but ends up landing on one that would just work for him. _He's going to hump the fuck out of something and jam a vibe against his dick._ He wants that right now. "I think I might just go and get myself off."

Niles looks even more disappointed after hearing that but after a heavy sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and goes along with things. "Okay, If that's what you need right now... But in that case, I'm gonna grab a couple of things from our room first because I'm not dealing with blue balls for the second time today."

 _Balls... He wants those too..._ Gavin pouts a little before shooing away the shitty thoughts and pushes himself up to his feet, already heading to the bedroom with Niles on his heels. He's curious and watches as Niles lifts the lid off of their faux-leather ottoman to pull out one of their sports bags harboring their toys. 

He pulls the zipper and after a little searching, Niles pulls out a stroker and a small buttplug. _After seeing what his partner can take, that little thing should slip in with ease._ Niles leaves the bag out and grabs one of their mini lube bottles before pausing, a small smirk on his face. "And what do you have in mind for _your_ fun?"

Gavin smirks back and folds his arms across his chest. "I'm gonna hump _your_ pillow."

"Oh?" A look of interest passes over Niles' face before his partner sighs. "I'd certainly love to watch that... But I think it would defeat the purpose of you doing this alone... Yes?"

Gavin nods, both feeling a little guilty for leaving Niles with his hand, and impatient because he's still hard and it's been fucking ages since he last came. "Yeah. Sorry... I'll get over it, I promise. I always do." 

Niles approaches him and Gavin tilts his head up to receive one more kiss before Niles pulls back. "I know, sweetheart... Well, you enjoy humping my pillow and _I'm_ gonna go put the internet to its primary use."

Gavin chuckles and shares one more parting kiss with Niles before his partner exits the bedroom, leaving the door open a crack and he's already digging through their toys for a suitable vibe. Gavin doubts he'll need any porn... _He hasn't gotten off in what? ... Ten, eleven days now? A fucking record._

...But it's all caught up to him now a large bulk of his stress has been removed and he can't wait to get Niles' pillow wedged between his thighs. _He could use his own but where's the fun in that?_ Gavin finds a flat, curved vibe meant to rest inside someone's underwear and after putting a couple of batteries inside, he tests its power, forgetting the last time he used it and if it was even any good. _There's a bit of rumble to it... Fucking perfect._

He's quick to step out of his sweatpants and crawls into their bed with a giddy rush of excitement as he takes the pillow from Niles' side of the bed. Gavin shoves the soft fabric between his legs, pushing it as flush to himself as possible before wiggling his vibe into the gap. 

He doesn't turn it on yet and just enjoys the movement of pushing himself up against it, pressure squeezing his dick with every thrust and Gavin takes his own pillow to wrap his arms around. He settles on laying half on his stomach, half on his side and rests his cheek against the top pillow and grinds down against Niles'. _It's so fucking good..._

It's not intense enough to have him moaning yet, but his breath still comes heavy and there's a quiet rumble of pleasure in Gavin's throat as he rounds his hips on the spot, seeking more friction against his dick. He squeezes his legs together around the pillow and sighs at both the arousal and frustration building in his core. 

He lazily peeks an eye open as music starts playing from down the hall, but it's a welcome sound and it helps Gavin immerse himself in his own little bubble of pleasure. He reaches between him and the pillow to press the silicone covered button on his toy, and his thighs tense involuntarily as vibrations reverberate against his dick and through his pelvis. Every thrust has his foreskin pull forward to cover the head and when he rocks back, the sensitive glans beneath are exposed again to the buzzing of his toy.

There's an impatient flutter of need in his abdomen and Gavin starts panting as he grinds his crotch up against the toy, dick swollen and the moments of near-painful stimulation feel just as good as the low buzz that blankets his shaft. He sticks his hands between his knees and tries to push it closer through the pillow before rounding himself on the spot, small, breathy moans starting to leave him as the need to come keeps building. 

It knots deep in his gut and every thrust done just right sends a wave of pure fucking perfection down to his toes and up to his scalp, tingling back down his spine. He buries his face against his own pillow and can feel himself edging closer to climax, breath shaking and his thoughts are focused on Niles' pillow against his crotch. Gavin can feel the fabric brushing against his bare skin, soft and warm from being held between his thighs.

He loves the possibility of Niles still using it tonight and the vivid mental image of him blowing his load across the fabric, has Gavin's thrusts desperate, hips bucking erratically on the spot. Part of him wants to try and edge but the side that's begging for release wins over and Gavin gasps out a groan, eyes rolling back as he comes, legs shaking at the vibrations still against his twitching dick. 

He powers through a few seconds of intense overstimulation before reaching down to click off the vibe and melts on the spot with a satisfied moan, hips still giving slow, lazy thrusts against the toy and pillow. _So fucking good..._ Gavin smiles into the fabric and gives one last, tight squeeze with his legs before rolling over onto his back, pulling away the toy to rest on his bedside table. _He'll go clean it when he can persuade himself to move._

Gavin stretches out his body until his muscles are trembling, then slumps on the spot, eyes closed and basking in the warm bliss of his afterglow. _That hit the fucking spot..._ finally his mind's at ease for a change and Gavin's almost slipping into a shallow sleep when he hears a mewl from nearby. 

He looks over at the source of the noise, then narrows his eyes at the fluffy orange feline at the edge of his bed. He chuckles and asks with a playful tone. "What d'you want, you little fucking creep?"

There's another mewl and Peanut walks across the bed to flop down by his shoulder, already busy cleaning her paws. Gavin sighs, very used to Peanut's ever-present fluffbutt arriving at the most inconvenient moments. _Little shit's actually jumped on him during sex before, and not just once either._ "Fucking voyeur."

He gives her neck a scratch, then settles back down again, gazing up at the ceiling until he yet a-fucking-gain has to use the bathroom since that's all his body seems capable of at the moment... But it does give him a chance to get cleaning his toy out of the way and Gavin ends up laying back in his bed, almost grinning with pride over at the crumpled pillow on Niles' side.

Gavin hears Niles exit the computer room at some point as he's entering sleep and mumbles an affectionate greeting after a kiss is pressed to his back... _And butt._ He doesn't push himself back into the waking world and instead lets himself drift off to sleep, his mind not wound tight for the first time in over a week...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for kudos and doubly so for comments, they fuel me.


End file.
